Sick of getting in your own way? This blog unpacks the hidden habits, patterns, and past experiences that drive self-sabotage — and gives you practical, no-BS steps to stop doing the very things that hold you back.

You say you want change, but somehow, you keep blocking it.

You know what you want. More confidence. A healthy relationship. To stop procrastinating and finally do the thing. But then — you ghost the opportunity, pick a fight with your partner, binge Netflix instead of making the call, or find yourself stuck in an overthinking spiral that leads nowhere.

It’s frustrating. You’re not lazy, weak, or broken. You’re trying to move forward — but some part of you keeps pulling the brakes.

This is what self-sabotage looks like (even though we rarely call it that at first).

So, what is self-sabotage?

Self-sabotage is when your actions (or lack of action) actively get in the way of what you say you want.

You might want love, but push people away. You might want to feel better in your body, but skip meals and stay stuck in shame. You might want to succeed at work, but leave things until the last minute, or never apply at all.

It’s not logical. It’s not conscious. And it’s not a character flaw.

Self-sabotage is a protective strategy. One you likely developed a long time ago.

Think about it like an overprotective friend who thinks they’re keeping you safe by preventing you from taking risks. Except this “friend” is actually your subconscious mind, spinning elaborate narratives of potential failure to keep you within the boundaries of what feels familiar and “safe”.

Why you might be self-sabotaging

Self-sabotaging doesn’t happen because you’re lazy or lack discipline. There’s often something deeper going on beneath the surface — like:

• Fear of success – Success can feel just as risky as failure. What if you can’t maintain it? What if people expect more of you?
• Low self-esteem – If you don’t believe you’re worthy, you’ll subconsciously reject the good things that come your way.
• Avoidance of failure – If you don’t try, you can’t fail. That protective logic keeps you “safe” but stuck.
• Fear of the unknown – Even if the familiar sucks, it can feel safer than the discomfort of something new.
• Unresolved worthiness wounds – These can come from:
  • Childhood experiences where your emotional needs weren’t consistently met.
  • Being bullied or rejected at school.
  • Past relationships that made you feel disposable, unsafe, or not enough.

Self-sabotage is the behaviour. But the root is often emotional — and it lives in your body, your nervous system, and your past.

Signs you’re self-sabotaging

It doesn’t always look like a dramatic implosion. Often, it’s quiet, sneaky, and even praised by society (looking at you, perfectionism). Here are some common signs:

• Chronic procrastination
• Harsh negative self-talk
• Withdrawing or isolating yourself
• Obsessive perfectionism
• Avoiding feedback or support
• Regret is your constant companion
• Refusing help or rejecting support
• Creating conflict in otherwise safe relationships
• Repeating unhealthy relationship patterns
• Unprocessed or ignored past trauma

How to stop self-sabotaging: 8 practical steps

Stopping self-sabotage isn’t about trying harder. It’s about understanding your patterns and learning new ways to support yourself. Here’s how:

1. Start with awareness

Pay attention to your behaviours, especially the ones that don’t make sense. Are you avoiding, overthinking, withdrawing, lashing out? Get curious.

2. Identify your personal triggers

What situations, people, or emotions set you off course? Your body usually gives you clues — tight chest, shallow breath, tension.

3. Recognise the pattern

Notice when you’re doing the same dance: opportunity shows up → fear kicks in → you shut it down. Track it.

4. Interrupt the old thoughts

Replace “I always mess this up” with “This is hard, and I’m doing my best.” (You’re not being fake — you’re being supportive.)

5. Set small, doable goals

You don’t need to leap. You need a first step. Then another. Then another. Keep it real, not ideal.

6. Make a plan

Decide in advance how you’ll respond when your go-to sabotage pattern kicks in. Write it down. Practice it.

7. Strengthen your support systems

You’re not meant to heal alone. Build habits that support your nervous system — move your body, eat real food, talk to safe people, get sleep.

8. Do the deeper healing

• Many self-sabotaging patterns are trauma responses. And trauma isn’t always “a big event.” Sometimes it’s the lack of what you needed — safety, connection, attunement.
  
• Trauma is what happens when an experience overwhelms your nervous system and never gets resolved. It becomes stuck — in your body, your beliefs, your patterns.
  
• If you’ve noticed yourself repeating painful dynamics or shutting down when things are going well, that’s a clue.
  
• Working with a therapist who understands attachment trauma can help you rewrite these patterns from the inside out.

Self-Sabotage FAQs

How do I stop sabotaging myself daily?

Start small. Pick one area where you tend to spiral (like mornings, work, or your relationship) and bring awareness to it. Name the pattern. Interrupt it with one new choice. Keep repeating.

What is the meaning of self-sabotaging behaviour?
It’s when you act against your own goals — often unconsciously. It usually stems from fear, trauma, or a belief that you’re not worthy of the good stuff.

Why do people self-sabotage when they’re anxious?
Because anxiety tells your brain and body that you’re unsafe — even when you are safe. Your nervous system kicks into survival mode, and that can lead to avoidant or destructive behaviours.

Is self-sabotaging a toxic trait?
It’s not a “toxic” trait — it’s a survival strategy. But it can become harmful if you don’t address it. The good news? It’s changeable.

Is self-sabotage a trauma response?
Often, yes. Especially when it’s chronic and persistent. It’s your body’s way of protecting you from what it thinks might hurt you — based on the past.

I’m Peta, a trauma-informed therapist based on Sydney’s Northern Beaches. I support adults, couples, and teens to break old patterns and build healthier relationships with themselves and others. Learn more about me here →